It’s cool, Ari … I’ve got this one under control.
So, How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Um … so, what is a woodchuck, exactly? You might know it by its more common name: a groundhog. That’s right, a woodchuck, or Marmota monax, is a solitary rodent of the marmot family also known by the flattering names “land-beaver” and “whistle-pig”. “What’s a marmot?" you may be asking … well, I can’t do everything for you. May the Google be with you.
Woodchucks/groundhogs live in underground burrows, and when they aren’t busy determining the patterns of wintertime meteorology via shadow analysis, they do a lot of digging. It’s the digging that’s important in this question.
See, “chucking” is, for some reason, often confused in people’s minds with “chewing”. The actual meaning of “chuck” is to throw something carelessly or casually. What we really want to know is how much wood could a whistle-pig carelessly throw if a land-beaver could carelessly throw wood?
Luckily, we can come up with a number for that. New York wildlife expert Richard Thomas reported that a woodchuck could tossingly excavate up to 700 pounds of dirt while digging out a burrow. If we assume that’s the most intense chucking that the groundhog undertakes, then we merely need to replace dirt with wood.
So the answer is 700 pounds.
On another note, if you’d like to impress your friends, ask them this question in Latin: Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?